Dear Stud Nuts,

I noticed that your column did not appear in the last issue.  What happened?

Bo Red

Dear Bored

While on vacation, I asked my brother Ishikawa, or Itchy Nuts to his friends, to write my column for me.  Since he has degrees in Engineering, Robotics, and Artificial Intelligence, I should have known better.  Last I saw, he was still trying to create a causal diagram of why anyone would read this column.

Dear Stud Nuts,

I have been thinking of restoring a British Bike and going on one of those Reality TV shows with my wife.  What do you think?

Dallas

Dear Big D, and I don’t mean Dallas,

I think Divorce Court is a fine TV show and you should all be very happy.  Just make sure to say goodbye to your bike before you go.

Dear Stud Nuts,

My doctor wants me to go on one of those exercise programs.  Do you have any suggestions?

Big Boned Boy

Dear Beefy

I recommend the British Unrestored Barn Bike Activity best known as the BUBBA workout.  With BUBBA, Level 1 has you spending many hours combing the countryside trying to find a British Bike or parts in someone’s barn or garage.  In level 2, you build your leg muscles even further trying to kick over a seized or dry motor.  Level 3 has you dodging pots and pans when your wife finds out what you bought.  Level 4 is actually the most enjoyable activity in the BUBBA plan as you actually work on the bike over many long months.  At this point you also get to interact with other BUBBA members who were dumb enough, I mean who wisely chose this workout.  Level 5 is the plateau level where you actually ride your bike until something goes wrong.  At this point the cool down of Level 6 kicks in and you put the bike in your garage or barn so that you can work on it later.  In another year or two or ten, you cycle right back to Level 2 and start all over.

Dear Stud Nuts:

I read recently where women should treat their husbands more like their dogs, more forgiving and less critical.  Can the same be applied to wives and motorcycles?

Kick Start

Dear Kick Start:

Of course it can.  For instance, if your wife is having a little trouble getting started in the morning, treat her the same as you would your bike, ease up on the throttle, she may just be too full of gas.

Dear Stud Nuts:

I am anxious to get on my bike and ride but it is just too dang cold and snowy outside.  What can I do to relieve my anxiety.

Devon Pressed

Dear De Pressed:

If you have kids, this is the perfect time to impress your wife and neighbors by emulating those commercials on TV where the father is playing Star Wars in the front yard with his son.  Gather the kids around and have them make motorcycle noises while you sit in the kitchen on a bench and pretend you are riding your bike.  If the neighbors say anything, you are just being a good dad, as seen on TV of course.  Your wife will also appreciate the quality time you are spending with the kids and you are more apt to get permission to buy those racing cams you have been craving.

Dear Stud Nuts,

I recently bought a 1977 Triumph and love it.  My problem is that my wife thinks I am spending too much time “playing” with my bike.  I tried to explain that these types of bikes need regular maintenance but she thinks I am neglecting her.  What do I do now?

Dilemma and in a Hole

Dear  DilHole,

It is called fettling my friend, not playing.  As I see it, you have two choices.  First, you might capitulate to your wife’s unreasonable demands and abandon the regular daily maintenance needs of your British bike.  I am not sure the cost /benefit analysis of this scenario justifies a bike that won’t run but I won’t tell you how to lead your life.  Second, try playing with your wife less and fettling with your bike even more.  The rewards of a finely tuned machine are quite gratifying.  I must warn you that there are consequences to this decision as can be seen in the accompanying photo.  I suspect that she used either a

slugger or a crowbar from Sears.

Dear Stud Nuts,

Can you explain the reasoning behind the Whitworth system of measurement for nuts, bolts, and tools?

Not a Standard Tool

Dear Bronson Rock,

Of course, Whitworth is a standard screw thread for nuts and bolts that need specifically designed tools in order to use said nuts and bolts.  It was designed by Joseph Whitworth in 1841 in retaliation of the colonies opening a can of whoop ass on the British in both the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812.  Outside of British motorcycles, most people encounter Whitworth threads on the mounting base of cameras for tripods and on cameras with replaceable  zoom lenses as used by Oskar Barnack and his boss Ernst Leitz in retaliation for the German loss of World Wars One and Two.

Dear Stud Nuts,

Can you explain the billing codes used by so many motorcycle shops>

                                                                        DNC

Dear Dazed N’ Confused,

It would be my pleasure to decode an invoice for you.  As you might expect, some are relatively easy codes.  For instance, CH-GVT stand for Cylinder Head – Gap Valve Tappets.  What you want to be on the lookout for, however, are the more obscure codes that seem to have no obvious meaning.  I personally like to use CFG,  SFCC, and CFMB Couldn’t Find Glasses, Search for Coffee Cup, and Can’t Find My Beer.  Several hours can be spent on these procedures so be careful if they appear on your bill.

Dear Stud Nuts;

I recently inherited an old motorcycle from my dad.  It is currently buried under about twenty years of stuff piled on it by my siblings.  Is it worth digging out and restoring?

Thanks,

Grateful

Dear Gratefull Dead:

Sure it’s worth digging, if only to find out what it is.  For example if it is a Brough Superior like Lawrence of Arabia died on, your inheritance from Dear Old Dad, may be worth as much as your house.  On the other hand if it is a 1985 Suzuki 125, you will have to pay somebody to haul it away.

In the middle is a British Motorcycle of the 50’s or 60’s, that will cost you $15k or 20k to rebuild, but it will then be worth $5k or more.  An endeavor guaranteed to keep you involved and losing money regularly. Also promotes marital harmony and togetherness, as in Dilhole’s letter above.